The Phantom Dumbass
by WTF123
Summary: The sequel to "Han Solo Shot First". It's 1994, George Lucas is officially running out of ideas for new movies to make. So one night, he gets completely drunk off his ass, and scribbles down an idea for not one, but three new movies. . . you can see where this is going. As usual, I don't own Star Wars.
1. Prologue

**Chapter I: The Phantom Dumbass**

*1994*

In a room located in Skywalker Ranch, filmmaker George Lucas was the king of cinema. He had single handedly changed the art of film forever, with the Star Wars Trilogy, the Indiana Jones films, and THX 1138. (And also American Graffiti for all you car lovers.) The bright sunlight was pounding on his back as he pondered. While sitting at his desk, trying to come up with a new film concept, he simply couldn't get an inspired idea.

"Hmmm.. what to do next...", he thought. Suddenly, an idea hit him. He snapped his fingers, and exclaimed, "I know how to get an idea!"

*The next morning*

The Lucasfilm employees found him passed out on the floor, snoring like a baby. He was completely surrounded by bottles and cans of vodka and beer, with much of it spilled on the floor. When he woke up hours later, he remembered something. He walked over to his desk, and looked at a piece of paper on it. There was writing scribbled on the paper as he soon saw. It read, "ChaNGe Krapy MOviEs NoW! MAk PrekwElZ to STa WaS Mak EVeryuN Happa!"

(Translation: Change crappy movies now! Make prequels to Star Wars. Make everyone happy!)

Lucas thought about the note for a long time. He was just about totally sober when he announced to his employees, "Guys, I think I know what we're going to do next..."

**You can probably see where this is going..**


	2. Jar Jar Binks

**Chapter II: Jar Jar Binks**

**(Note: Any spelling errors made in Jar Jar's dialogue are totally intentional. The mistakes besides his dialogue are not.)**

"Oh god, this is going to be the end of me", Qui Gon thought to himself.

Just seconds ago, he had saved a gungan creature from being run over by a large federation ship, invading the planet Naboo. He was walking back over to his padawan, when he decided to talk to the retarded creature.

"You almost got us killed, are you brainless?!"

The creature replied, "I spek."

Right from there is when Qui Gon knew that saving him was a huge mistake. If he couldn't even pronounce "speak" right, it would take more Jedi instinct than he had to put up with him.

"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent, now get out of here", Qui Gon said to him, still walking.

The creature (unfortunately) responded, "No, no, mesa say... mesa called Jar Jar Binks! mesa your humble servant!"

Qui Gon cringed. "Note to self: Never save anything again. Ever", he thought.

"That won't be necessary."

"Oh, but it is! Tis commanded by de _gods_ it is!"

(One boring and unsuspenseful droid attack that the author's too lazy to describe later)

"You saved my again!", Jar Jar said to Qui Gon.

"Oh crap, why the hell did i just do that?!"

It was then that his padawan, Obi Wan, noticed Jar Jar. "What's this?", he asked.

Qui Gon reluctantly replied, "A local. Now let's get out of here before more droids show up."

As the started to get away from Jar Jar, he continued to bitch and moan about the droids. "Mor? More did you say?!"

Qui Gon was two seconds away from cracking. And by the look on Obi Wan's face, he wasn't far from breaking down either.

"Exqueeze me, but de-"

That did it for Qui Gon. If he couldn't even pronounce "Excuse" right, clearly this wasn't worth his time. He stopped walking, and so did Jar Jar and Obi Wan.

"I-I'm sorry, both of you. But I ... I just cannot continue our journey like this. This is just WAY too much for me to handle."

Jar Jar seemed confused. "Hmm? But Meesa was gonna tew yousa dat-"

Suddenly, Obi Wan broke as well. In the middle of Jar Jar's sentence, he took out his lightsaber, turned it on, and stuck it right through Jar Jar's stomach. He screamed from the pain, but this only made Obi Wan want to continue.

"Master, now! Slice his head off!"

Qui Gon agreed. He did the same as Obi Wan did, turned his lightsaber on, and ran it across the width of the gungan's neck. In an instant, Jar Jar's screaming ceased as his severed head flew off from the body and onto the muddy ground, where it belonged.

After a brief silence and catching their breath, the two Jedi turned their lightsabers of and faced each other as the body also fell to the ground.

"Well, we did the right thing, my young padawan."

Obi Wan replied, "With your help, master."

Qui Gon smiled at him. "Because of this, Obi Wan, I can see you being a far greater Jedi than anyone on the high council right now."

As Qui Gon said this, Obi Wan began to look down at the severed head, and a sly smile grew onto his face.

"Master?", he said.

"Yes Obi Wan?"

"I can't shake the feeling that I've just done the galaxy an enormous favor. What about you?"

Qui Gon thought for a moment. "You know I feel it too. It's as if we've just save the entire galaxy by killing the gungan."

After a brief silence, Obi Wan said, "Oh well. Come on, I sense a place where we can get a transport not far from here."

"Good. The last thing we need now is for any more of this gungan crap to show up near us...


	3. Midichlorians

**Chapter III: Midichlorians**

"Master, sir? I heard Yoda talking about Midichlorians. What are midichlorians?"

Qui Gon looked at Anakin and prepared to answer him.

"Midichlorians are a microscopic life form that resides within all living cells."

Anakin didn'r know how to answer to that. "They live inside me?", he said more as a statement than a question. "Inside your cells, yes.", Qui Gon replied. Anakin looked at him as he continued on. "And we are simbians with them."

Anakin gave Qui Gon a confused look at first. "Simbeonts?" he asked. Qui Gon explained, "Life forms, living together for a mutual advantage. . . . without the midichlorians, life could not exist, and we would have no knowledge of the Force."

Anakin felt like he was starting to get it now. Qui Gon continued, "They continually speak to us. . . telling us the will of the Force."

Anakin stayed silent for a second. "When you learn to quiet your mind", he went on, "You'll hear them speaking to you."

The boy shook his head and said, "I don't understand."

Qui Gon smiled at him and said "With time and training, Ani, you will."

30 MINUTES LATER

"So, did you tell him?"

Qui Gon was walking into a random room on the Naboo Starship when Obi Wan Kenobi asked him that. He was sitting on a chair, reading a newspaper that read "_New study shows one in ten Jedi will turn to the Dark Side in the next decade_".

Qui Gon chuckled. "Pfft, yeah, he fell for it hook line and sinker."

He took a seat next to his Padawan and glanced over at his paper.

"I'll tell you, Obi Wan, these padawans just get easier and easier to trick every time."

Obi Wan glanced over at him. "Like the way you tricked me into thinking Midichlorians were real?"

Qui Gon grinned. "Oh come on", he said. "You and I both know that your face was priceless when I told you. You wanted me to take your blood sample, pour it out in front of you, and see them for yourself."

Obi Wan smirked. "Well now I know why you didn't."

They began to chuckle at their old memories Suddenly, Padme (The handmaiden one, not the decoy) walked in. She seemed curious. "Hey guys, what's going on? I heard you talking."

They both looked at her. Obi Wan put down his newspaper for a second to talk to her. He said to her, "Oh, we were just talking about a good old trick we pulled on Anakin not long ago. You want to hear?"

Padme smiled wildly. "Sure." She took a seat (there were 4 chairs in there) across from them an began to talk.

Qui Gon started. "Well you see, many years ago, Jedi Masters came up with a trick to test their padawans as to what they will and won't believe."

Obi Wan continued for him. "It's what we know as the Midi Trick. You see, Midichlorians are something that was made up as a fake explination as to what the Force really is. Jedi try to get their padawan to believe it, and if they don't, they pass it."

Qui Gon went on for him. "The strange part is that some Jedi out there think that they are real. . . that The Force actually is biological."

Padme was listening to all this, and while she was, her smile was out of control.

"So Midichlorians are just a padawan bed time story?", she asked.

Qui Gon and Obi Wan looked at each other for a second. They turned their attention back to Padme. "Essentially, yes. You could describe it as that", Obi Wan smirked. Padme thanked them for the conversation, and then left the room. When she did, Obi Wan and Qui Gon chuckled some more.

"I can't believe some Jedi actually believe in that crap, right master?"

Qui Gon began to laugh louder now. "Yeah. I can't wait to see Anakin's face when we tell him the truth."

Obi Wan smiled. "Yeah, maybe he'll turn to the dark side at the thought of it."

When he said this, he started to laugh out of control. Qui Gon did the same. Little did they know that this would be the last time they could exchange such friendly banter like this before Qui Gon would meet his fate on Naboo.

In the end, Obi Wan did end up telling Anakin the truth about the Force. When he did, Anakin hardly ever came out of his room at the Jedi temple. When he did, Obi Wan found it littered with Playboy and Hustler magazines and "Midichlorians" spray painted on his wall. After seeing how he reacted, Obi Wan decided that if he ever got another padawan, he would give him the real story on how the enery field surrounding all living things works.

**Happy 12/12/12 guys! Hope you like the chapter. Review if you did, and don't be afraid to point out any mistakes so I can fix them too**


	4. Jar Jar Binks (Again)

**Chapter IV: Death of Jar Jar Binks (Again)**

Chancellor Palpatine and Jar Jar Binks were walking down a hallway in the Coruscant senate building, with night time well upon the city. Jar Jar was to Palpaine's left, looking quite proud of himself. He had just proposed to the senate for them to give the Chancellor emergency powers so that he could start a war with the Seperatists. Jar Jar, being the idiot he always was, had no idea that a war would be involved.

"So Jar Jar, how does it feel knowing you've just saved the senate from disaster?", he said to the gungan. Jar Jar responded, "Oh muy muy, Chancella, ita feels gweat! Meesa may have just saved de senate! Yousa de reaw hero here!"

Palpatine grinned. "Idiot", he thought. He looked at the gungan with an increasingly creepy smile on his face. They stopped walking. "You know Jar Jar, you've always been a friend to me", he said while crossing his fingers behind his back. "And I'm not sure where I would be without you."

Jar Jar made an ugly smile as he replied, "Oh muy, tank yousa, Palpy Meesa will do anyting at aww to-"

He was cut off by Palpatine. "However, my gungan friend, there is a price to pay, now that you've given me emergency powers."

Jar Jar looked confused. "You see, once people are no longer needed in the senate, they... usually step down from service." As he said this, he slowly pulled his lightsaber out from behind his back.

"Hmm? Yousa sayin' meesa needen to retiu?, asked Jar Jar. The chancellor's evil grin was becoming all the more obvious to see. His voice was becoming strange to him now.

"Oh no, Jar Jar. I'm saying that you need to retire... perminantly."

Jar Jar frowned. "Whata yousa sayin'? The Chancellor replied, "You are no longer needed here, Jar Jar. Now that I have my emergency powers thanks to you, the part of my plan that involves you is finished." As he said this, he slowly walked out in front of Jar Jar. His grin was looking as evil as ever.

"Wha? Whata yousa tinkin mesa-!"

With that, Palpatine quickly turned on his lightsaber, and in a fraction of a second, the red blade had pierced through the gungan's body like it was paper. Jar Jar yelped loudly, and then Palpatine grabbed his neck tightly, and lifted him off of the ground. He could see fear in Jar Jar's eyes clear as day. Palpatine wasn't smiling anymore. He looked into his eyes as he said, "Remember, Jar Jar. . . you ruined the Prequel Trilogy for me. . . for everyone. And now you're going to pay the price for it."

At last, with all of his strength, he picked Jar Jar off of the ground by his neck. He was rapidly gasping for air to no sucess. His face and whole body was turning a strange shade of blue, and then green, and then to purple. Once he stopped breathing, Palpatine saw his chance. As hard as he could, he tossed the body through the air and at the window nearby. It shattered into millions of pieces, leaving Jar Jar to fall to the streets of Coruscant. On his way there, several speeders slammed his body against one another, so by the time he hit the ground, he was completely mangled and bloody. Palpatine looked down until he couldn't see him anymore. He smiled out of control, and ev ily laughing out loud.

"At last. . . it is done."

The next day when Jar Jar's body was discovered, Palpatine claimed that he had committed suicide at his witness. The Jedi, since they couldn't even sense he was a damn Sith Lord, stupidly bought it. The gungan was dead, and not a damn was given.

Much, much later, at Padme Amidala's funeral on Naboo, one of Jar Jar's relatives attended, standing in for the dead gungan. However, just a week after that, he was killed by an Imperial Star Destroyer that "accidentally" crashed into his home on a Naboo moon. Once that was done, the recent Galactic Civil War was one step closer to ending. It wasn't a large step, but still a step.


	5. Order 66

**Chapter V: Order 66**

"Commander Cody... the time has come. Execute Order 66."

Palpatine had done it. He had taken control of the senate, turned Anakin to the Dark Side, sent Mace Windu to his death, and assigned Anakin to overthrow the Jedi Temple. This was his mpment of glory. He looked upon the hologram of the Clone Commander with an emotionless face, but benieth that, he was hiding all the evil bliss in the world. Cody got the order.

"It will be done, my Lord."

Palpatine was just about ready to shut off the holo-projector when Cody spoke up again.

"Excuse me, my Lord?"

Palpatine turned back to him. "What is it?"

Cody started to rub the back of his head awkwardly. "If you don't mind me asking, sir, why exactly do we need an order that involves abruptly turning on the Jedi for no real reason at all?"

Inside, Palpatine was enraged. A clone Trooper questioning his orders? To the _chancellor_? But the Sith Lord held those emotions inside of him for now and proceeded to answer his question. "It's quite simple, really", he started. "It's to be sure that in case the Jedi turn on us, we are prepared for it."

Cody didn't get it. "Yes, but do the Jedi know about this order?"

Palpatine replied, "They do, yes."

Cody continued, "Well don't you think it would've been suspicious to some that there's an order that involves wiping out an entire religion? One that could be given off by the chancellor at _any given momen_t?

Now he was pissed. He didn't have time for this crap. "Look, just send out the order to all other command posts already." By now, Cody was looking for an argument.

"Well wait now, this is just ridiculous, why would you need to kill off your men at random? The Jedi never did anything to betray the Republic!"

"Of course they did! They are trying to take over the Senate!" Now it was getting heated.

"And what proof do you have?"

"Simple! They... they... they... huh". Now that he thought about it, he didn't really have a reason to give to the troopers as to how the Jedi were taking over.

"Exactly what I thought. God, you're an idiot!"

Now he was furious. "Hey! You're talking to the freaking Chancellor of the galaxy here! I can give the order to have you-"

Cody cut him off rudely. "What do you mean, give the order? You just ordered me to wipe out all my friends and their religion just so you could become emperor or some bullcrap like that. I don't have to take orders from you!"

"I will report you to the high senate about this treason!"

"Fine, go ahead! I'll just report to them what your real plan is! I figured out who you really are; you're the Sith we've been searching for all these years!"

Palpatine gasped. He was on to him. He had only one chance to fix this wound. "Now don't be ridiculous now! I'm no Sith!"

Cody didn't buy that. "Uh, I _think_ a leader who can give the order to wipe out the Jedi at random can safely be assumed as a Sith! I mean, we went through over _a hundred freaking episodes _of an over-exploited TV series just so you could end up doing _this_?!"

Palpatine drew the line there. "That's it, I don't have to take this crap from a clone! Now do as I say, or I'll...!"

Suddenly, the Sith Lord realized that he didn't have a way to bribe this trooper into doing what he said. He had to think fast. "Or... I'll cut your yearly salary like a tree on Endor!"

Clearly this was not fast thinking. Cody started to laugh his ass off at that. In between laughs, he got out, "Are you freaking kidding me? We don't even get paid to begin with! That's the best you've got as a threat? That's rich!"

Palpatine was furious now. He didn't have to take this from a clone. He was just about ready to force-choke him right then and there, when suddenly, he got an idea. A brilliant idea. He smiled an evil smile and looked down at the holo-projector. Cody was just wrapping up his ROFLMFAO fest when the Chancellor spoke again.

"Oh Cody, if you do not execute Order 66 in the next 60 seconds, I'll have no choice but to execute Order 67 instead."

Suddenly, Cody was silent and mortified. No. He wouldn't. He couldn't. Could he?

"No, you don't mean...!"

"Oh yes, Cody. I am fully ready to give the signal to execute Order 67 to every Clone commander in the galaxy. Now do as I say, or... well, you know what."

Cody was beginning to shake with fear. He had two choices: Either command the clones to kill every living Jedi in the galaxy, or Order 67. This was a though one.

"Well, commander? I'm waiting. What's it going to be?"

Cody hesitated for a moment. Finally, with a deep sigh, he looked down at Palpatine's hologram and said, "It will be done my Lord. Re-transmitting message now."

Palpatine was satisfied now. "Good". And with that, the connection ended. As Cody gave the order to fire upon his Jedi Knight, Obi Wan Kenobi. He and his giant lizard friend went tumbling into a deep ravine with a lake at the bottom of it. No one could survive a fall like that, not even a Jedi like master Kenobi.

Cody sighed with sadness. Not because he may have just killed his best friend, but that he was working for such a twisted, evil man like Palpatine. Threatening to unleash Order 67 to the Clone Troopers? That was unforgivable. He cringed inside of his helmet at the thought of what Order 67 was:

A required viewing of The Star Wars Holiday Special.


End file.
